Paradoxical Communication: 6 Keys To Understanding It

Why is it that we sometimes say “yes” when there is a clear “no” in our head? Why do we prefer to remain silent and not say anything, even though what we want is clear to us? What could be the reason for this? The answer is paradoxical communication.

Day after day we find ourselves engrossed in a large number of relationships. Therefore, the basis for and at the same time the goal of human communication is to understand each other. Is it that hard?

Yes, but no, and quite the opposite

Relationships we create and maintain on an equal footing with others are largely determined by the way we communicate. So, what is not said, assumptions, lies or ambiguities are not good friends with communicative clarity.

What is special about paradoxical communication is that it is a contradiction that arises from a correct conclusion about constant premises. Although it may seem like a jigsaw puzzle, this example of a conversation between mother and daughter will help you understand the concept.

• “Friend, help me get ready for dinner”
• “Mom, I thought maybe I’m not going to dinner today. I’m wondering if I should join a friend at the cinema, is that ok?
• “Well, it’s up to you…”

Although the mother clearly wants the daughter to have dinner, her words mean that it is the daughter who must make the choice. The mother thinks one thing and says the opposite and the daughter has to draw the conclusion that the mother wants her to stay. This leads to an internal conflict about acknowledging the mother’s hidden purpose versus relating to the words that were actually used. No matter what the daughter does, it will affect the mother, which in turn will lead to changes in the relationship between the two. This is an example of paradoxical communication.

If the mother had said what she really wanted, she would have said something like:

Every day we encounter situations like this, where we are barely aware of the dynamics. It is clear that the content of the message is not the only thing that matters. The intention behind it is just as important.

The paradox is marked by ambiguity

“Tell me, then I will calm down”, can really mean “nothing you can say or do will calm me down”. One thing, and its opposite meaning.

Paradoxical communication is based on all the different ways we can interpret the same message. We doubt the intentions of others and choose to interpret what they say in a way that suits us, or as what we think they mean.

The point is that this explanation we construct does not have to fit or at all resemble what the other person wanted to share with us. Or maybe they do. This is where uncertainty, confusion and misunderstanding arise. 

The more specific we are with what we want to say, the less room there is for ambiguity. This gives better quality to our communication with others.

The logic behind Watzlawich’s theory of misunderstanding

Paul Watzlawichs was an Austrian theorist and psychologist who is a reference in psychotherapy. His research sought to explain why it is sometimes so difficult to understand metacommunication and so easy to do the opposite: to avoid communication. To understand this, you may want to get acquainted with his 5 axioms about communication:

• “It is not possible not to communicate.” Communication happens all the time. We even send out the messages we do not want to share. Silence is also communication.
• “All communication messages consist of a content element (what you are talking about) and a relational element (the context of the communication).”

• Communication sequences are organized through punctuation. The nature of a relationship depends on the way each person organizes the communication between them. The communicative process depends on both sender and receiver.
• There are two types of human communication: digital and analog. We will talk more about both below.
• Communication exchange can be symmetrical or complementary. This depends on both parties in the relationship.

There are two types of human communication

According to Watzlawick, there are two different languages ​​people can use to express the same content. These two types, as we mentioned above, are analog and digital.

• Digital: what is being said. This does not mean that they are dealing with computers. It refers to the actual content of the message. That which is understandable, direct and that does not need to be translated. When someone says “I need more love”, “I am very happy”, “I want you to appreciate me”. Then you do not have to interpret it. The meaning and the words used to form it meet in the middle.
• Analog: what they really mean. What kind of intentions or background are behind these words? This type of communication requires that we add a meaning based on context and not just the words used.

In the example we used earlier, the mother sends out both of these types of communication to her daughter:

• Digital: “It’s your choice whether you go to dinner or go to the cinema.”
• Analog: “Stay here, because you know that’s what I expect.”

The “double bind” hypothesis

In the same way that the types of communication we talked about above can match, they can also oppose each other. S language and words do not have a double meaning in themselves. We are the ones who make the double meaning.

Authors such as Bateson, Jackson, Haley and Weakland delved into this phenomenon. They talked about the existence of a “double volume”: the paradox creates contradiction. They studied this type of paradoxical communication in patients diagnosed with schizophrenia.

With the results they gathered through their research, they tried to explain how family context and communication affect the appearance and maintenance of this disease. They defined “double bind” as a sick relationship that has the following characteristics and characteristics: 

• It occurs when a very intense or emotionally charged situation occurs.

• It is paradoxical communication: two conflicting messages are issued simultaneously. Most of the time, one is oral and the other non-verbal. The types of communication we discussed earlier (digital and analog) do not match.
• There is different power in the relationship between the person who issues the message and the person who receives it. The person issuing the message prevents the other from deciphering and talking about the opposite. In the same way, they do not give you room to shop. No matter what you do, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

What does the bouble bind hypothesis look like?

Bateson illustrated the “double bind” hypothesis with a very revealing example. He showed a family where the older brother constantly harassed his younger brother. His younger brother, on top of it all, was a very shy child.

The bullying reaches a certain point and the younger brother screams with frustration and impotence when he feels bullied. The consequences are that the older brother stops harassing him, but the parents punish the younger brother for screaming.

In this situation , the child receives two completely conflicting messages. On the one hand, he must express his feelings in order to be accepted (not to be bullied). On the other hand, he must refrain from expressing his feelings in order to be accepted in a different way (if you show them, there are consequences). What message does he decide to follow?

The authors concluded that “double bind” is a dysfunctional and unbalanced form of communication that disorients and confuses people. The recipient does not know what to expect, and this leads to a number of possible disturbances and difficulties in relation to others and to himself.

As we can see, we are surrounded by paradoxical communication and double bonds. Examples of this can be when you find a sign that says “do not read this”, or someone who advises you “be more spontaneous” or “do not be so docile”. Everyone seeks conflicting answers in relation to what they advertise.

We recommend this video excerpt. It provides examples of paradoxical communication and “double bind” in a family context.

In this way, paradoxical communication can create conflict in relationships

When problems arise in romantic relationships, the reason is often a lack of mutual communication. In the same way as with our family, we also convey conflicting messages about how we feel or what we want to our partner.

• Wife: “Today I had an exhausting day at work. And on top of that , the kids have messed up the living room when they played there! ”
• Man (thinking): “What does she want? I just got home and am tired too. You’re not asking me if I can clean it up, are you? ”
• Man (says): “So, why do not you clean it up?”

The way the husband responds to his wife is revealing. He not only assumes that his wife is indirectly asking him to take the cleanup; his response is also completely out of context and on the verge of rudeness.

The best option would have been if he asked her, “Do you want me to help you clean up? Can I help you? What do you need?”. But, instead, he has decided, based on her beliefs and deep-seated assumptions, that her intention is not to clean up at all.

What does this mean for the relationship?

This reflects that both do not convey their intentions with enough clarity. In addition, paradoxical communication is not just a “one-time event”, but has a snowball effect. It is usually dragged from conversation to conversation and can become chronic in the relationship.

In couples therapy, the therapist can see how a couple shakes with movements and hands out aggressive criticism, while at the same time explaining their hostility with a language that seems loving, or vice versa.

Identifying the paradox sometimes helps to be able to read the other party, to know what they are thinking, even if they remain silent. On the other hand, at other times it may happen that we are not willing to understand, it can generate very harmful consequences for the relationship and also major conflicts. We insist that in order to communicate properly, the first thing we must do is understand ourselves.