5 Attitudes That Betray Your Need For Approval
Albert Ellis, the well-known cognitive psychologist, puts “need for approval” at the top of his list of irrational beliefs. Many of us suffer unnecessarily because of this unrealistic idea. We believe we need the approval and acceptance of almost all important people in our lives to be happy.
Why is this idea unrealistic? Due to the simple fact that we can never satisfy everyone. Everyone has their own personal values, standards and opinions, and they will not always coincide with yours. They are not better or worse, just different.
It’s not exactly the same as wishing certain people like us. We are social beings, which is why we all like to feel loved. We want people to think of us when they make plans, we like to be praised and feel accepted in a social group.
But we do not need these things in an absolute way. If we tell ourselves something else, we will suffer and become slaves to something we cannot control: whether other people love us or not.
People think we need the love of others to be happy. But what we really need is self-love. If we have it, we will have better relationships with other people and actually get more love from those around us.
Having an excessive need for approval makes our relationships worse. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: our deceived actions tend to confirm our irrational beliefs. Want to see what is typical behavior for people with too high a need for approval? Continue reading…
Behaviors that betray your need for approval
To justify everything you do and explain yourself too much
Say you find that a particular person does not approve of your actions. As a way of taking control of the situation, you justify everything you have done. You think you will be able to convince the other person that you are right.
But it is very unlikely that it will happen. Personal opinions rarely change due to reasons or explanations. The most sensible thing to do is to accept the other person’s opinion and maintain a good relationship with him. Try to forget this small, insignificant difference.
To change your mind
Being able to change your mind is a sign of maturity and mental flexibility. But only when the person we interact with actually manages to convince us. If you constantly change your mind because you are afraid that others will ask questions and not approve of you, you are the victim of an unrealistic need for approval.
We must realize that something we value most in people is when they are themselves. We are attracted to people who are strong and confident. So stick to your weapons and accept the fact that other people may not agree with you.
Get angry at other people
Getting angry every time someone disagrees with you is actually a cry for approval. The problem is that anger is not the best way to gain the approval of others. In fact, such a negative feeling pushes people away. As a result, you increase the ability to do the opposite of what you were trying to do. What you end up with is rejection, and the uncomfortable feeling of anger.
You control obsessively how many “likes” you get on social media
The technological age we live in today highlights the need for approval in a unique, very clear way. How many people do you know who are constantly posting pictures of themselves? The truth is that behind this behavior is a desperate need for approval. The number of “likes” or comments they receive only reinforces the behavior.
Not to say anything when we do not agree
People often act in ways we do not like, and we just let it pass. We all make mistakes and they can be fixed. However, the problem comes when you are not able to give the other person a chance to fix the error. Another problem is when you can not respect an opinion that does not agree with your own.
When you are afraid of disapproval, you remain silent and do not express your feelings. And you do not claim what you think belongs to you. You just hold on to your unhappiness, swallow your emotions and feel terrible. What you can do instead is express yourself – calmly and confidently. If you handle the situation properly, both people involved can be satisfied.
You do not have to satisfy the whole world to be happy. If some people around you love you, you should feel truly blessed. When it’s under our control, we should always try to be kind and polite. But do not forget that we also make mistakes and have different opinions than other people.
We do not have to be friends with everyone or feel loved by people everywhere we go. What really matters is that your actions have your own approval. You should also learn to express your disagreement with respect.
Do it and you will see what love is like a boomerang. If you give it, it will come back to you. The more you love yourself, the more others will love you.
