A Toxic Relationship Between Parents Has Consequences For The Children

Anyone who psychologically abuses their partner, anyone who exploits, humiliates and destroys them and their self-esteem, commits indirect abuse. Indirectly, but still terrible for their children  . Because  constantly witnessing a toxic relationship makes these children the primary victims, the sad guardians of an emotional legacy marked by consequences that can ever be irreversible.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Economic Forum (WEF), mental illness is the number one problem worldwide that keeps people away from work.

You may not have known that a large number of these originate in toxic or offensive relationships and the psychological mark they leave on a person. Indicators such as post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, chronic pain, asthma and even diabetes are quiet but persistent signs of this type of dysfunctional condition.

Social institutions and health care institutions point to the need to “train” victims of this type of physical or psychological abuse, and not to stigmatize them. When we say “exercise”, we are talking about giving these people, men or women, sufficient resources and confrontation strategies so that they can psychologically and emotionally see the value in themselves again, and then get back to their normal lives.

Now, something we often ignore, forget or overlook is the children. Children who have seen this harmful dynamic, these very toxic environments, from a very early age.

These children have silently internalized each particle. They have internalized every gesture, every word and every tear  in their impressionable, innocent minds. All this often happens while one knows well what impact it may have on life in the time to come.

Because we can not forget that the cycle of violence is like a snake eating its own tail. The same things are repeated over and over again, the same dynamics. Perhaps these children who are witnessing a toxic relationship today will become new victims or addicts tomorrow.

Witnessing a toxic relationship also makes us victims

“No, I have never lifted a finger at my children or my partner.”  Unfortunately, this is a very common reaction among addicts or perpetrators of the psychological abuse that leaves no marks, no bruises that serve as evidence of the abuse, the violation, the damage done in the intimacy of the home.

But the fact that no one has been beaten or that there are no visible bruises actually makes the situation even more complicated. In these cases, it can be difficult for the victims to see it as abuse. They tend to blame themselves.

And this guilt or responsibility does not just grow in the victim. It also grows in the child. Like the witness who is always present, the child also experiences the same feeling. Because the child is just a passenger on this train full of pain, on this track that takes everyone to the same place.

We should not forget that, as Piaget explained in his theory of children’s cognitive development,  children from 2 to 7 have a self-centered focus where the world revolves around them. Because of this, the child will feel that their father or mother’s pain, along with all the shouting and arguing, is happening because of something the child did.

As a result, and it is important that we keep this in mind, at the core of a toxic relationship where there are children, they are also victims. It does not matter if they are standing behind a door and do not see anything, or if they still do not know how to walk, read, cycle or know the name of the constellations that they can see in the window every night.

Children listen and feel, they interpret the world in their own way, and as a result, few things can be as devastating to their childhood as growing up in an environment that has such a neurotic, destructive emotional backdrop.

To survive with our parents’ toxic relationships

Sometimes both members of the relationship contribute to a toxic relationship. There are people who are not able to build a stable psychological and emotional environment. They are characterized by going back and forth between devotion and aggression, closeness and cruelty. This creates a very dysfunctional situation for them and especially for all children involved.

Offensive relationships come in many shapes and sizes. They exist in all socioeconomic classes. But the true victims of these emotional mazes are children. Because building one’s own identity in a context characterized by abuse is often how the cycle of violence begins. We should not forget that people tend to repeat the psychological patterns and behavioral patterns to which they are accustomed.

And so, far from surviving with our parents’ toxic relationships, all of the above means that we ( perhaps ) become new victims or perpetrators ourselves, because we have internalized the same emotional language. To counteract this effect and end the cycle of abuse, we need the right tools. Children who have seen these dynamics need help, probably therapy. The parents do too.

Because if there is one thing that every child deserves, it is the chance to live in a non-violent environment. They deserve to be taught how to live well. They must be brought up with consistency and respect. And most of all, they deserve a beautiful relationship with parents who know how to be affectionate, who are able to love.