My Heart Goes One Way, My Life Goes Another

Everyone should listen to their heart. But to be honest, no one can be completely consistent every hour, every day. We consist of opposites, because we love and we hate at the same time, we are brave, but we also run away, we are good, but we also cause harm. But we deal with these contradictions when we build a way of being and living, more or less consistently.

For some people, building a foundation for consistency is not easy. They live as if they do not want to live. They work like they do not want to work. They love as they will not love. In these cases, there is a strong dichotomy between how they feel in their hearts and what they are actually doing. It is as if they are living a borrowed existence.

There are many cases like these. People who do not really love their partners, but maintain a relationship with them, after all. People who work all day, who desperately long for time to go home. People who choose a profession they hate. Or people who seem to always appreciate the people around them, when all they want is to see them disappear.

Of course, we all go through days or stages when we reject the way we live. Under some circumstances we lose the desire to work, we feel distanced from our partners, and are irritated by our surroundings. But when you are truly connected to life from the bottom of your heart, these experiences are fleeting and pass with relative ease.

When the heart is not connected to life

Of course, many people who do not live life from the heart will blame an external factor. If they hate their job but continue to work there, they would argue that they have to do it, that the bills at the end of the month are not waiting, and that it would be difficult to get a new job. But you will not see them looking for a new job or doing anything to be able to leave the job they hate so much.

This is even more common with romantic relationships. You probably know someone who always complains about their partner, and will continue to do so for years. If you tell them they should leave that person, they say they will do it one day, or that they can not because of the children, or their shared mortgages or religious beliefs.

At this point, some will ask: If it is impossible to overcome the situation, why do they not find a way to adapt to it? And if it is possible to overcome it, why do not they do everything necessary to end their supposed afflictions?

In these cases, the heart goes one way, and life goes the other. The person suffers and feels trapped, but they can not imagine a way to get out of the maze. Or they simply think that “it is life” and that they must accept it, or they think that they are not capable of making changes. Ultimately, it is an unconscious force on the move that they are not aware of.

Unconscious demands

Almost all of us believe that the reasons for our actions are quite clear, but when we are asked why we did what we did, we often give unclear answers. In reality, the human mind is much more complex than that. There seems to be a lot we do not know about ourselves, including the deepest, most authentic motives behind what we do.

Ever since we were born, we have been subject to the will of others. Our parents constructed a conscious meaning for our existence, but they also pushed their own unconscious expectations and desires  forward into our lives.

A depressed mother, for example, can convey the love she has to give, but also leave a certain gray cloud over everything that happens. A distant father can love in his own way, but can also end up as a ghost, always just out of reach, that the child tries to talk to and get closer to by getting good grades, or by being very sensible, or by creating a problem of everything.

If your heart goes one way and your life goes another, it means that there is a contradiction between your conscious and unconscious desires. You probably live as someone else wants you to live. That person is probably one of your parents or someone who was important to you in childhood.

You want to please them, but deep down, you know that your actions are motivated by the desires of others. But something in you prevents you from rebelling and demanding a real life, tailored to your own desires. It is your childhood fear of losing the love of the people you continue to trust unconsciously.

Inside all of us, there is a vulnerable child who will do whatever it takes to hold on to the love, attention, and care of our parents. Some learn to recognize the resources they have to live an individual life, free from the external influences.

Others, however, continue to hover around an unresolved unconscious conflict with one of their parents. They grow up, they study, they work, and they become doctors or even presidents. But they feel that they are not themselves.