Self-sabotage: When You Are Your Worst Enemy

Self-sabotage tends to make things difficult for oneself. You create boundaries and complications that hinder progress towards your goals.

If you think back in time, you can probably come up with situations where you do not succeed in your goals. And where you also did not know how or why. One possible explanation is self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage brings out the enemy in you. It can in a way be a protection against failure in the short term, but it will also prevent you from having success. People who sabotage themselves create obstacles because they subconsciously believe that they cannot do what the difficult situation may require.

Below we will look at the 4 most common forms of self-sabotage.

What are the different forms of self-sabotage?

1. To refuse what you need

The first type and one of the most common, is to deny yourself things you need or want. People hide their true desires by saying things like “it’s not that important”, “I do not want it”, or “I do not care”. That way, they protect themselves from disappointment and do not have to accept that they have to work on improving their skills. Regardless, they also block themselves from success and the opportunity to strive for greater things and gain recognition for them.

Self-sabotage sets in motion when they deny that they want to achieve a goal or subconsciously deny themselves personal needs. It is very important to learn the difference between when you really do not want something and when you want it but are afraid that you will not get it.

Once you know the difference, you can begin to protect yourself from your own self-destructive actions.

Postponement: to wait with everything until the last minute

One of the most effective ways to fail both personally and professionally is by delaying time. It is a toxic habit because it gives you a false sense of control over things. In reality, what you are doing is just postponing your chores.

Postponement is a defense mechanism because it protects you from feeling incompetent. But it also prevents you from seeing what you are actually capable of. Simply put, it makes you feel like you’re working towards your goals when you’re not really doing it.

3. To be inconsistent: to start a project but drop it when it becomes difficult

Inconsistency is one of the most common masks self-sabotage uses. Failure is certain when you start a project but drop it somewhere along the way. Either way, you can teach yourself to be consistent with everyday things.

The reason for self-sabotage is quite clear: if you do not complete the task, you do not need to evaluate whether you did well or not.  Maybe you could have done well, but you do not know how to deal with success. In that sense, self-sabotage also protects people from success when they think they do not deserve it.

4. Excuses for not making a decision

Making decisions gives you some responsibility for what happens, which depends on the importance of the decision. Self-sabotage protects you from accepting that responsibility, because you do not have an opinion.

Avoiding decisions is another mask self-sabotage uses. You prevent yourself from taking control of your life, using your voice and clarifying your opinions. It also forces you into a spectator role in your own life. This reinforces the idea that you are not good enough for anything more.

What are the possible reasons for self-sabotage?

Avoidant personality disorder

When people are faced with adversity, they have three options: to confront, avoid, or procrastinate. In other words, you can look for a solution (confront), try to convince yourself that it does not affect or bother you and look the other way (avoid), or wait and see what happens indefinitely (postpone).

While it is a good idea to use the time well before you act when trying to find a solution, postponing all action can easily become a habit that will make you less confident.

If you make avoiding things a habit in adolescence and as a young adult, you will lose the opportunity to take advantage of situations that would have helped you develop new abilities. If you avoid confronting difficult situations or let opportunities for growth pass you by, you may develop  anxious (evasive) personality disorder.

Anxious personality disorder is directly linked to self-sabotage because people convince themselves that they can do nothing. They may not have the right skills, but that does not mean they can not grow in the situation.

People with evasive personality disorder feel unable to overcome challenges, and that is their biggest limitation. Their biggest mistake is to mix lack of skills with incompetence.

They must stop avoiding things that make them doubt their abilities. They must allow themselves the opportunity to grow as a person. Remember, without challenges there is no growth.

Low self-esteem

When you think little about your own qualities, you do not love yourself very much. When you do not love yourself, you tend not to trust your skills. Hence the relationship between self-sabotage and low self-esteem.

People with low self-esteem do not allow themselves the opportunity for growth or to force themselves out of their comfort zone. It is because they believe with all their heart that they do not deserve the opportunity. They do not reach the task. They are not worth the goal.

Overprotective family environment

Growing up in an overprotective family environment can leave two ingrained messages in people’s minds about themselves and their abilities. The first is that the family loves and protects them and therefore they are not alone. The other is that they need their parents to protect them and help them because they cannot do things alone and they are not strong enough.

When caregivers are overprotective, they send these two messages intertwined. It is the latter that leads to self-sabotage. Overprotective families make people dependent on others to feel competent and secure.

So, once they are adults and independent, they self-sabotage as a defense mechanism. The less protection they receive from the family, the more self-sabotage.

What are the effects of self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage can easily turn into a vicious circle. If you do not give yourself the chance to achieve something, you are not challenging yourself. That’s why you’re not growing.

The circle continues: you lose the opportunity to build new skills and improve those you already have. Thus, you think that you can not do one thing, do not want to, or can not manage to do it well.

Many, if not all people, have a saboteur inside them, and you just have to learn to live with it. It will always tell you that you are not able to achieve your goals. It will make you doubt yourself forever and keep you in the comfortable comfort zone . The trick is to learn how to listen to doubts, without being sucked in, which requires a lot of patience.

For all of the above reasons, self-sabotage creates  a constant feeling of insecurity. It is something that tends to stay. That is why it is so important to destroy the vicious circle as soon as possible.