Symmetry Between Parents And Children

We live in a world where children behave more and more like adults, and adults behave more and more like children. In a nutshell, it is precisely this the Argentine psychologist Claudia Brass discusses in his book Symmetry between parents and children (Symmetry between parents and children) . 

Brass’ clinical findings led her to develop this theory of symmetry, or mirroring, in children. She highlights the fact that children are becoming harder and harder to deal with, have more problems than they used to have, and have fewer psychological resources to complete the individuation process. At the same time, they repeat the dysfunctional patterns they see in their parents.

Messing believes that this phenomenon of symmetry between parents and children is rooted in modern parenting styles. Parents who use these styles do not show their authority in a coherent way. The roles in the family (father, mother, children) are also not so well defined. Instead, they have been replaced by a kind of disproportionate democracy that erases family hierarchies. In these family structures, everyone sees each other as peers, but they neither are nor should they be.

Characteristics of symmetry between parents and children

When children mirror their parents, it becomes difficult to have control over them. They think they are right all the time, they feel very confident about what they want, and they hate when adults set boundaries.

A “symmetrical child” does not give adults much credit, because they do not feel they have anything to offer. They do not see them as someone who is more knowledgeable or experienced. These children simply believe that adults are their equal, nothing more than that.

Children who have grown up with this symmetrical relationship with their parents actually have great difficulty separating from their parents when they grow up. This is not because they are too attached to their parents, but because they do not know how to live independently. They are not very adaptable, and therefore prefer to stick to what they know.

The four dimensions of the symmetrical relationship between parents and children

Brass argues that there are four dimensions to this “symmetrical child” phenomenon: imitation, parity, fantasies of completeness, and lack of individualization. Let’s take a closer look at each one.

Imitation refers to the mirror effect that these children experience with their parents. They copy absolutely everything they do. But why is this really a problem? Well, children also end up copying their parents’ traumas and problems.

The second dimension is parity. This means that the child sees the adult as his or her equal. Consequently, the adult has no authority over the child.

Until relatively recently, children maintained a certain distance from adults. They understood that they could not do everything the adults did because they were children. These days, however, there are many families where this distance does not exist. Children feel that they fully identify with their parents.

The fantasy of completeness and lack of individualization

When a child feels on the same level as an adult, they also think they know everything. They often try to take on the role of parents, give advice, and even order people at home.

A “symmetrical child” can also try to take on the role of teacher and tell the teacher what to teach and how to do it. Sooner or later, however, these children must realize that they do not have the tools or resources required to act in this way. This realization frightens and confuses them.

This is the fantasy of completeness. The child feels self-sufficient, even if they obviously are not. They believe that they do not need to learn anything, and that they are not in a learning and growth process. These children do not listen to their parents or teachers. As a result, they do not complete their individualization process. Because these children only know how to imitate others, they do not fully develop their individual personalities.

According to Dr. Messing, families can only solve this problem if they reconstruct the roles between the parents and the child. The parents must make it clear that they and the children are not at the same level, and that they have authority in the household. One must remember, however, that this is not synonymous with authoritarianism. Rather, it is a confirmation that you as parents are guides and role models.